As a child living in an narcissistic family, I was blind to the intricate spider web of control by the narcissist mother. But the most infuriating thing I’ve realised upon waking up to the codependency is the lost years of growing into independence.
How in the hell can a young boy learn to grow up confident in himself and his wants, when the very person tasked to support your burgeoning independence, is actively sabotaging his progress? That is what narcissistic mothers do to their objects (aka children) because, in her eyes, these children are the for one reason – supply her with validation and adoration whilst having total control over another person.
The sabotage extends to every facet of self sufficiency: not teaching the growing child how to look within for answers, not allowing him to say “no”, disallowing anger and feelings, whilst forgetting to push for the son to develop real-world practical skills, that contribute to his independence.
Ill equipped with independence
I remember one time, I couldn’t play with the neighbourhood kids one time, they rang my doorbell, and mother said “if you open that door, you don’t come back”. It killed me inside to watch those kids walk away through the glass in the door, giving up… At that point, the choice was given to me: break into independence or seek your safety.
The ironic thing is I’ve later been threatened with eviction numerous times, until one time my mother actually did throw me out, before she went on holiday, not expecting me to actually leave… for two years.
Both incidents illustrate the deep, terror fear of abandonment that the child feels when he decides to go for independence, but the mind traps him in a prison of shame, fear and self doubt. Add to that an inflexible, hard fisted, cruel and abusive mother ruling the narcissist family regime, and it is impossible to break out into the wider world. Even if you do succeed in leaving the family behind, your 20-year training will see to it that you walk right into the hands of another narcissist – boss, wife, girlfriend…
Codependency is horrible.
It’s an invisible force that blinds you to yourself and turns your eyeballs permanently to the outside, leaving you flapping in the wind every time someone gives you a dirty look. And all of this was installed into you before you could breathe by your own.
Take a sunflower seed, plant it in bad quality soil and lock it in the dark. That’s what you’ve got with a child of a narcissist– no air, no love and stunted growth.
But, once you recognise, as an adult, that the light is missing, after all those years of being vulnerable and open to the abuse and sabotage of your so called caregivers, you too will be lamenting your lost years of childhood and feel angry at your parents. It’s a good start.
Take that anger and choose yourself – to free yourself, by nurturing yourself as you would have as that trapped child.
Break through to yourself.
Lisa Romano – Sons of Narcissistic mothers (video)