It’s not fair!

(Image: Ukkasyah Quwwatulha)

The experience of healing from narcissist abuse is exhausting. The metaphor of climbing out of a deep pit couldn’t have been better said. Life gave me such a handicap, it may as well been the pit from hell. Whereas some people start off with certain advantages, most of us can clearly point to their family and feel a certain sense of warmth and camaraderie. In the narcissist family, this feeling is replaced with fear, shame and suspicion. Of ourselves. Of each other. Being appointed the family scapegoat, all the shame runs down to you, with none of the redemption. In other words, you are firmly in the bear pit of hell.

I’ve lost a lot of time, time I’ll never get back, to do the normal things in life…

The scapegoat also realises that, socially he is so far behind everybody else, due to his infantilisation. Things like falling in love with a woman, starting a family, having a great career, all the outwardly signs of success that other people have, and quite easily obtain… All out of reach for the targets of narcissism. Even if we’re did get some of it, it was at a discounted price, a bargain basement version that every other sane person baulked at.
If life was a 100m race, the Chosen Ones would be in the boxes watching and laughing at the idiots below, thinking how could they so stupid? The others start at the sound of the gun. Those with experiences of narcissism are told to start further back… Outside the stadium… On the street. With a ball and chain strapped to their leg.

I feel frustrated at finding out all of this narcissism bullshit in my mid-30s and having to learn how to be « normal ». I suppose it’s the same for the narcissist, but as much as I try to catch up with the rest of society, I know I’ve already lost a lot of time, time I’ll never get back, to do the normal things (have kids, get dumped, get fired, but and sell a house, have normal friends…). Is it a blessing in disguise? Maybe, but there’s nothing sadder than a single man learning to enjoy the part of his life that should have ended at age 25.

It’s not fair!!!!

References:

Glynis Sherwood – Outrunning The Shadow Of The Narcissist

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2 réflexions sur “It’s not fair!

  1. Michel.
    I fully agree with you because as a 37 year old black man I feel so behind everyone else because the majority of people that I’ve grown up with all have families of their own, they have great wives/girlfriends, travelled the world, all have good and well paid jobs, got their qualifications at a much younger age than me etc. The reason why I feel behind everyone else because I had a shitty childhood especially in my secondary school years because I had a step mum who always put me down and told me that I ain’t shit because I wasn’t naturally academic and smart as her and she always used to hit me if I didn’t do well in school.

    Another thing that annoyed me about my step mum is that she always used to compare me to other kids who are doing better than me in life because their lives are more stable than mine because they got both their parents there, they not struggling for money because these kids are well provided for, they never had to move homes multiple times because their parents made sure that they got a mortgage so that their kids have a easy and stable life and somewhere they can call home. I used to turn around and say to my step mum that if I was such a bad kid then why did you take me on and if those other kids are so perfect why don’t you adopt them and she couldn’t give me a answer because she knows that she is in the wrong.

    The reason why that I feel so behind my peers because I don’t have a good well paid job/career because of my unemployment situation, I don’t have a home that I own, I’ve never been married and I don’t have any kids because I haven’t met the right woman for me, now don’t get me wrong I had lots of girlfriends over the years but those relationships never seem to work out and plus all the women that I really liked never liked me back because they rejected me and put me in the friend zone while they dated the bad boys and thugs.

    Also the other reason why I feel behind everyone else because I didn’t have much of a childhood because […] I moved homes 8 times because of my step mum’s stupid choices not get a mortgage for a house so that we can live in a nice house in a good area because she was relying on the government to give her a council house because she was a single mother and the government was always putting us in the shit areas of North London […] The thing is as a single mother who has two kids or more, can’t rely on the government to put you in a nice permanent council home in a nice area because it’s way over their budget because we all know that single mothers are bleeding the government dry of their money resources and that’s these single mothers with multiple kids are being moved to shitty crime ridden areas because its cheaper to live there and that’s where you get all these kids who turn to crime because they come from unstable fucked up single mother homes especially in the black community because we all know that black women make the dumbest choices in life when it comes to picking a father for their kids because they always pick the worst type of black man to have kids with and that’s why they end in the situations that they are in.

    I made a promise to myself that if I ever became a dad that my future kids will have a stable home to live in because I will make sure that I would have my own home because I have a mortgage on it, I will have a well paid job so that my future kids will be well provided for so that they won’t go without and also I will pick a good looking childfree non black women who is a good woman so that she can the mother of my kids so that good happy family life because I was denied that opportunity in my childhood due to my parents being irresponsible because they had me way too young (my dad was 25 and my mum was 19 when I was born) and my step mum not getting a mortgage and a home in a nice area so that me and my brother can a stable childhood that I was robbed of and I mentioned it to my step mum in the past she always used to call me ungrateful because in her deluded mind she thought that she was doing a great job moving homes every 3 to 4 years, when she clearly wasn’t. As a adult now luckily for me that I don’t have any debts, I got all my 5 qualifications by the time that I was 32 in February 2015 and that I live in a nice area in North London.

    J’aime

    1. « If I was such a bad kid, why did you take me on? »

      Brilliant question, and of course your step-mother has no answer. Narcissistic mothers’ first need is to have someone to blame, and that, unfortunately was you. It was the same thing with me, the family dynamic was set up so that I was at the bottom.

      Whilst it would have been nice to have that golden opportunity as children, it wasn’t meant to be, but conversely we missed out on the good things in life, like a wife, children, savings and assets, holidays and friends. I’m heading into my 40s and my high school peers are now probably talking about divorce, and second marriages. The normal life isn’t for us, and I suspect it was by design.

      Despite the dreadful start, it’s great that you are clean living, diplomed and debt free, it’s a major sign of your strength and character.

      J’aime

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